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I told him I was shooting a documentary about marriage, why people do it, and how I've never wanted to get married—until, at the tender age of 40, I finally feel ready, now that I have no viable options.

Peter seemed surprisingly open to the idea but needed reassurance that I wasn't going to make fun of him on camera—a theme, for some reason, that keeps reintroducing itself into my romantic relationships. It's supremely awkward seeing someone you used to have a lot of sex with for the first time in almost two decades.

It's embarrassing sitting three feet away from your ex, trying to discern whether he's wondering how badly you've aged—or, more specifically, if you look fatter than you did at 23. He told me that I was a menace—that I would drink more than him and his friends combined, and then get up at 7 a.m. He said that I was opinionated and loved a good fight, and that I could get anyone to open up.

He said that he would often find me laughing by myself, and that he felt like he was dating all of my friends too, that I was a complex character and a "beautiful hurricane." He told me that over the years people have said, "You should have married Chelsea.

Realizing that those feelings have set in can be even sadder than the initial misery.

You can't fast- forward heartbreak, and you can't rewind love—and, that's just one big bummer.

He was the one you believe you'll eventually find your way back to because, at 23, your brain is exploding with the struggle to accept that not all things happen for a reason. Knees shaking, I called him on a phone number whose last four digits I've used as the code to every safe in every hotel room I've stayed in since we met.

This was something I'd literally prayed to happen for two years after our breakup.

My sister Simone used to listen to me cry on the phone, telling me there would be a day when I didn't pine for him.

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When the director of my documentary on marriage asked me which of my ex-boyfriends I would like to interview on camera, I told him, "We're going to have to hire an actor." I'm not friends with any of my exes, and I've never understood the appeal.

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Quickly catching attention from the media, streaming service Apple Music decided to make a complete series surrounding the segment.

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